I came across this powerful exhortation in Mitch Albom's wonderful book, Tuesdays With Morrie.
There is a dire need for all of us to create our own culture, our own way of living. All of us are in danger of losing our identities, our true selves. Why?
Because there is always pressure to "be like the crowd", "to be one of `em", to be cool etc, etc. In my training sessions with young people, I often suggest that they retain their true identities, rather than discard these and become a non distinct person. Being one amongst many is better than being many without being one.
In this age of overwhelming mass media and popular culture, and of course peer pressure, individuality is slowly being lost, with many individuals being unaware. Notice that I reiterate the word `being'. People have ceased being significant; they are merging with the crowds. Once again, we are harking back to the tribal ages!
Hence, I was so gratified that during one of my workshops, a student, in response to my question about what was his strength, said that he enjoyed `being' himself'.
May there be more of such individuals.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Teenagers Just Need Love
Having been involved in training thousands of young people, I have come to the conclusion that for all the suggested therapies, counselling and `quick fixes' recommended, there is only one remedy - love.
Many parents often forget that whilst teenagers behave like young adults, they are, deep within, still children. Not in a childish sense, but in need of parental affirmation and support. No psychotherapist, top notch psychologist or self help guru will ever be able to replace the love that a parent gives. Just mere words will be able to soothe those wounded egos; and a hug will lift any teenager from the depths of despair. Only parents can provide the emotional sustenance that a teenager craves.
Yet many parents fail to see that mere simple acts on our part can form the best preventive medicine against any psychological damage that might befall our beloved children. In this day and age, many of our young people are crying out to be heard and understood, to be touched; yet many parents have to their own peril ignored these cries for attention.
Yes, the behaviour of teenagers can be difficult to comprehend. But then again, the universe itself is almost impossible to fathom, yet we marvel at it. What more our children?
I am, unabashedly, a staunch believer that our teenagers should be tangibly loved; a touch, a kind word will remove all barriers to understanding our teens.
If you are a parent to teenage children, remember, they still need your love. And to all teenagers, never be shy about demanding your emotional sustenance.
Many parents often forget that whilst teenagers behave like young adults, they are, deep within, still children. Not in a childish sense, but in need of parental affirmation and support. No psychotherapist, top notch psychologist or self help guru will ever be able to replace the love that a parent gives. Just mere words will be able to soothe those wounded egos; and a hug will lift any teenager from the depths of despair. Only parents can provide the emotional sustenance that a teenager craves.
Yet many parents fail to see that mere simple acts on our part can form the best preventive medicine against any psychological damage that might befall our beloved children. In this day and age, many of our young people are crying out to be heard and understood, to be touched; yet many parents have to their own peril ignored these cries for attention.
Yes, the behaviour of teenagers can be difficult to comprehend. But then again, the universe itself is almost impossible to fathom, yet we marvel at it. What more our children?
I am, unabashedly, a staunch believer that our teenagers should be tangibly loved; a touch, a kind word will remove all barriers to understanding our teens.
If you are a parent to teenage children, remember, they still need your love. And to all teenagers, never be shy about demanding your emotional sustenance.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Tuesdays with Morrie - Watch The Movie
You may have heard about the best selling book, Tuesdays with Morrie. For those who have not, it's about a dying college professor, Morrie Schwartz, sharing life lessons with a former student, Mitch Albom. To-date, more than 11 million copies of the book have been sold.
I watched the movie version as part of the pyschotherapy course that I'm undertaking. It was heart rending, yet extremely meaningful. You could say it was life changing, and whilst I tried containing the tears that seem to flow effortlessly, it also caused a wonderful emotional nourishment, a new world view to look at life. Contained within are beautiful nuggets of wisdom, lessons such as:
On Culture: "The culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it." Aren't we always guilty of being slaves to culture? Avoid the herd mentality and you'll stand out.
On Tension of Opposites: "Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else." There are always two choices in life: the right and the wrong, no in betweens.
On Getting Meaning into Life:"So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning."
On Aging:"Aging is not just decay...It's growth." * * *"If you're always battling against getting older, you're always going to be unhappy, because it will happen anyhow." * * *"You have to find what's good and true and beautiful in your life as it is now. Looking back makes you competitive. And, age is not a competitive issue."
On Shortsightedness:"...no matter where you live, the biggest defect we human beings have is our shortsightedness. We don't see what we could be. We should be looking at our potential, stretching ourselves into everything we can be come."
On Death :"Death ends a life, not a relationship."
On Relationships:"There is no formula to relationships. They have to be negotiated in loving ways, with room for both parties, what they want and what they need, what they can do and what their life is like."
Watch the movie for maximum impact. Keep a box of tissues nearby though. You've been warned.
I watched the movie version as part of the pyschotherapy course that I'm undertaking. It was heart rending, yet extremely meaningful. You could say it was life changing, and whilst I tried containing the tears that seem to flow effortlessly, it also caused a wonderful emotional nourishment, a new world view to look at life. Contained within are beautiful nuggets of wisdom, lessons such as:
On Culture: "The culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it." Aren't we always guilty of being slaves to culture? Avoid the herd mentality and you'll stand out.
On Tension of Opposites: "Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else." There are always two choices in life: the right and the wrong, no in betweens.
On Getting Meaning into Life:"So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning."
On Aging:"Aging is not just decay...It's growth." * * *"If you're always battling against getting older, you're always going to be unhappy, because it will happen anyhow." * * *"You have to find what's good and true and beautiful in your life as it is now. Looking back makes you competitive. And, age is not a competitive issue."
On Shortsightedness:"...no matter where you live, the biggest defect we human beings have is our shortsightedness. We don't see what we could be. We should be looking at our potential, stretching ourselves into everything we can be come."
On Death :"Death ends a life, not a relationship."
On Relationships:"There is no formula to relationships. They have to be negotiated in loving ways, with room for both parties, what they want and what they need, what they can do and what their life is like."
Watch the movie for maximum impact. Keep a box of tissues nearby though. You've been warned.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
The Things We Clutch In Our Graves Are Those Things We Gave Away
This quote was a life changing revelation to me; and it makes even more sense within the current text of this financial tsunami.
Fear pervades at this moment in time. Fear is gripping everyone. Fear features in all the media we encounter.
Fear is overwhelming us.
Yet fear is a feeling, and a feeling is created by our thinking. We can control our thinking; we can control our fears.
Two people I met recently seemed to be overcome by fear. Materially, they were very successful; emotionally, I would say they were bankrupt. What seems to be foremost on their minds is the fear of losing everything.
No doubt, their wealth has been reduced, on paper that is. Both still have many physical possessions. Yet it's strange that one can possess many things yet own nothing. Because by fearing that you will lose something, you are in effect relinquishing that very possession.
What we clutch in our graves are those things that we gave away. What this means is that we can never possess anything permanently. We came into this world with nothing, so we will leave empty handed. That is a fact.
Once you grasp this, you will realize that all possessions are temporary, and once you acknowledge this, you will no longer need to fear its loss. It's as simple as that! Once you embrace this mindset, you will realise that the only permanent possessions you cling to after you die are those possessions you gave away, as these are legacies you leave behind for others.
That will now leave you to then focus on the present, and living life to the fullest in the here and now. You will become less concerned about losing and more focused on winning in the present moment.
Victor Frankl, the Jewish holocaust survivor, believes that human beings do not just seek pleasure in life. What everyone really seeks is the meaning of life.
He lost his entire family in the holocaust. Yet, he found it within himself to make meaning of the tragedy that befell him. He concluded that the meaning of life is found in every moment of living, even in death and suffering. And after the war, he went to on to become a successful academic, author and psychologist.
This financial turmoil has clouded the view and meaning of life. It's time we truly embrace the present and discard the fear.
No season lasts forever because all of life is a cycle.
This too shall pass.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
DON"T LIVE YOUR LIFE IN ONE DAY - OUT NOW IN STORES!
Well, my book has finally been officially launched. It's out in the bookstores, both in Singapore and Malaysia.
What do I seek to achieve? Well, the book contains truisms that hopefully, will inspire and motivate those who delve into its contents. More than anything, I hope that people will refer to it time and time again to reflect on its messages and more importantly, see how they are actually living their lives.
It's just 232 pages, broken down into 10 major areas. These are:
Mind Management
Developing Your Potential
Success
The Finer Things in Life
Overcoming the Odds
Relationship Development
Career Pointers
Leading A Balanced Life
Power Strategies
All Other Things That Matter
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Allocate Special Holidays for Yourself
Just came back from a wonderful holiday with three of my best buddies. Mind you, this was done without the wives and children. What a treat!
Three years ago, my friends and I decided that we should have an annual retreat...men only. This was naturally greeted with much derision, skepticism and suspicions from our wives. I don't blame them. But they relented, albeit very, very, very reluctantly.
Phuket was the venue of our first and second `pilgrimages'; Jakarta was our latest `foray'. So, what do four grown men do when they're all alone, away from the scrutinising eyes of our better halves?
We become boys. Lest your mind starts wandering, it was good fun - playing golf, eating and having a few drinks.
Golfing in Indonesia is a refreshing experience - the golf courses are breathtakingly beautiful, the people are so warm, and everyone seems genuinely happy. My only lament was that my golf scores did not do justice to the wonderful conditions that prevailed. But, who cares.
What am I getting at?
Well, your wives and partners are going to hate me for this. But I'm strongly recommending that if it was possible, without you running the risk of getting a divorce letter or being dumped, go for an all guys holiday. It does wonders for your mental health. Deep down, all men are boys, and we need to return to that boyish abandonment that we left behind. We need to touch base once in a while with our `inner self' to unleash our latent creativity and imagination that resides deep within. Having these holidays will do just that.
And am I saying that only the men get it? No, ladies too can be gals again. You too deserve an all ladies holiday, leaving aside everything and having good, clean gal fun. In fact, it would be most ideal if both the guys and gals take turns to have such holidays.
It would do all of us a great deal of good. It could be worth a "fortune".
To Mervyn, Steven and Lincoln - thanks for the wonderful time. Till next year!
Three years ago, my friends and I decided that we should have an annual retreat...men only. This was naturally greeted with much derision, skepticism and suspicions from our wives. I don't blame them. But they relented, albeit very, very, very reluctantly.
Phuket was the venue of our first and second `pilgrimages'; Jakarta was our latest `foray'. So, what do four grown men do when they're all alone, away from the scrutinising eyes of our better halves?
We become boys. Lest your mind starts wandering, it was good fun - playing golf, eating and having a few drinks.
Golfing in Indonesia is a refreshing experience - the golf courses are breathtakingly beautiful, the people are so warm, and everyone seems genuinely happy. My only lament was that my golf scores did not do justice to the wonderful conditions that prevailed. But, who cares.
What am I getting at?
Well, your wives and partners are going to hate me for this. But I'm strongly recommending that if it was possible, without you running the risk of getting a divorce letter or being dumped, go for an all guys holiday. It does wonders for your mental health. Deep down, all men are boys, and we need to return to that boyish abandonment that we left behind. We need to touch base once in a while with our `inner self' to unleash our latent creativity and imagination that resides deep within. Having these holidays will do just that.
And am I saying that only the men get it? No, ladies too can be gals again. You too deserve an all ladies holiday, leaving aside everything and having good, clean gal fun. In fact, it would be most ideal if both the guys and gals take turns to have such holidays.
It would do all of us a great deal of good. It could be worth a "fortune".
To Mervyn, Steven and Lincoln - thanks for the wonderful time. Till next year!
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
The Last Lecture Tells Us Much Of How We Should Live
I have just finished reading the book, The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. And when I say just finished, I literally mean it; I'm writing this post moments after reading the book, which was in itself done in record time.
Randy Pausch is a university professor who has much to live for - a beautiful wife, two young sons and a lovely daughter. As fate would have it, he's only months to live as a series of cancers wreak havoc on his physical but not his mental health.
For a man staring death in the face, I can only admire his courage, and his humour. My problems are but a speck of dust when compared to the fate that awaits him. In his book, he is exuberant about living, and about living a life that is meaningful. He buys a convertible, goes out on a final holiday with three of his buddies, and continually expresses his love and admiration for his children and for his wife.
As a means of communicating his thoughts as well as imparting insights, Randy conducts a lecture entitled The Last Lecture. It's available on the Internet for those who are unaware - http://www.thelastlecture.com/. For me,the most poignant part of the book was when he unveils a surprise birthday celebration for his wife at the lecture. She hugs him, then tells him "Please don't die."
In delivering the lecture and in writing the book, Randy is telling us all that we should value life more intensely; most of us tend to take it for granted. If you have been doing so,now is the time to reflect and make efforts in ensuring that we live a life we want.
This book has made a profound impact on me; may I therefore recommend that you read it. Just click on the book cover on this site.
Live life!
"We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." - Randy Pausch
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